I walked off the elevator into my loft after coming home from work. "LUCY IM HOME!" I yelled.
"Big whoop ya fckn' creep," I heard my best friend Robyn say. I looked around for her, but saw no one. "Right here stoopid," she raised her hand from the couch that had it's back to me. "Call me Lucy again and I'll flush your stash of Mari down the toilet."
"You wouldn't!" I set down my duffle bag and ran over to the couch, leaning on the back of it. "Not Mari!"
"Nigga chill," my other best friend--my first best friend, Robyn was my second--Barry walked out from the bathroom. "But I just smoked that sht, so she can't," he snickered.
"WHAT!" I turned around with wide eyes staring at him. "UGH!" I threw my head back. "I can never leave sht around y'all niggas!"
"Chill Chris. You act like I don't have a stash." Robyn said as she sat up. "Yo, we need a newbie man. I'm getting bored of you niggas. It's too many of y'all. We need another female," she suggested.
"No!" Mijo sat down in the recliner chair. "No, no, no! We were here first, Ro! It's a trio! We're the Three Muskateers and she'd be...ionno like a Snickers or sum sht. A twix? No, she'd a be a Milky Way. Ooh, what about a Crunch Bar. Hmmm, a Hersheys? No, I like Hersheys. Okay, she'd be a Crunch Bar! Aw sht, I forgot Reese Pieces!"
I laughed and went to my room to take a shower. "These niggas," I sighed. When I got re-dressed and walked back out Barry was still ranting. I plopped down on the couch next to Robyn and snatched the remote.
"You btch," she stuck her tongue out at me, laying back down and putting her feet on my lap.
"Whore," I smiled and sat my arm on the back of the couch. "You were saying, Mijo?"
"Oh yeah. Like I was saying," Barry continued, "what was I saying?" he looked up to the ceiling, confused.
"You were saying something about a reese pieces," Robyn chuckled. "Damn, now I'm hungry."
"I'll go call a take-out service in a minute," Barry decided. "But oh! Like I was saying," he slapped his knee. "having another best friend would suck! It'd be a square of people. I mean...she'd be all behind in our best friendom! We'd have to tell her everything that WE already know! I don't like it," he folded his arms over his chest. "No more best friends. I like us 3 and that's final."
"There's 2 other muthafckas in the room," I blurted out, "and I like the idea. So you're sht outta luck, Mijo. We're getting one."
"Yes," Robyn smiled and gave me dap. "This what I'm talm bout!"
"You're always siding with her!" Barry groaned and took out his cell phone. "Fine! Find another best friend! But I bet she won't be the bestest of best friends like me! I'm your first Chris! There'll never be another like me! Remember that Chris and dont you forget it! I was there for you nigga through all them hard times" he got up and strolled out of the room while dialing a restaurant's number. "THE NEW BTCH WILL NOT LAST!"
"THAT BETTER BE BEGGARS!" Robyn yelled. "But he said the same sht about me, but look at me now," she grinned. "Still here, 7 years later."
"Yup," I smiled. "That nigga better buy four liters of pop, too."
"Nah, we just need 3. I was gonna get some bottles later," Robyn said.
"SHOULD I GET 3 OR 4 LITERS OF POP?" Mijo asked. "I'LL JUST GET 4!"
"No," I cut Robyn off. "Let him get 4. We'll just cut him off and replace him with the new btch until he's ready to be a responsible, young adult if tries to use one of our credit cards."
Robyn smirked and closed her eyes, falling asleep. I went back to watching television while Mijo stayed in his room. Minutes later the pizza deliverer was buzzing the doorbell from downstairs.
"I'll go get it," I decided.
"I was gonna get it," Barry whined.
"Why," Robyn said with her eyes still closed. "So you can pay for it with one of our credit cards?"
"No," Barry smacked his lips. "Yes and what?!"
"Bum ass nigga," Robyn said opening her eyes. "I need to exercise so I'm coming with."
"Me too," I agreed.
We all left the loft, got on the elevator and went down to get the pizza.
"So you were gonna pay with my credit card," I stared at Barry. "I'm sorry-"
"No, Chris," Robyn put her arm across my chest. "Don't' do it."
"I have to," I stared at Robyn. "It's for his own good."
"Do what," Barry asked with a blank expression upon his face. "Do what, Chris?"
"We're cutting you off, Mijo." I said sternly. "You gotta get a job like the rest of us!"
Barry gasped, dropping his mouth. "But... But, but- That's not fair! I didn't even do anything!"
"That's the point dumb ass!" Robyn pushed him. "YOU. DON'T. DO. SHT! We're the ones working our asses off while you lay on yours. We're not your damn parents, nigga! And you damn sure ain't my fckn child! So you're on your own partna! We're tired of taking care of yo ass!"
I walked off the elevator with no regrets. Robyn chuckled as she followed behind me. Barry soon joined us at the door where the pizza deliver stood with our bag full of pizzas.
"That'll be $28.57," she told us as she handed me four boxes of pizza and then reached down to pick up a bag full of pops. She handed it to Barry.
Robyn nudged me with her elbow and I nudged her back. "Ugh!" Robyn groaned, breaking the silence. She took out a roll of money and handed the girl two 20's. "Keep the change."
"...thanks," the girl smiled politely and turned to walk away.
"Wait," Barry blurted out. Robyn and I broke our necks at him while we turned halfway around. "Um...uh...what's your name?"
"Alissa," The girl said as she turned around but continued to walk backwards to the car.
"I'm Barry," he smiled.
"Nice to meet ya," she nodded and turned back around.
"She has a nose ring like me," he drooled. "And a sleeve. She's our one."
"Oh so nowww you want another one of us?" I asked.
"Btch, I spent my saving money!" she hissed at him. "I was supposed to be saving for a diamond ring that I've been looking at since five months ago!"
"Can you get me a ring, too?" I asked.
"Oh, I was gonna get you one for Christmas," Robyn blushed.
"Awe," I smiled. "I was gonna get you a diamond ring for Christmas! I've been saving up, too!"
"We so think the same," Robyn grinned. "I love you so much bro."
"Love you too sis."
"Y'all fcked. Labeling yourselves like that is disgusting," Barry commented.
"And nobody asked for your two fcking sense!" Robyn rolled her eyes.
Barry stared at the girl who was now driving away in her car. "...I will be going to Beggars Pizza to ask her out tomorrow," he declared as we walked back to the elevators. "She's our one. The perfect girl to be our new btch. I mean best friend."
"Tssst," I shook my head. "She looked iight, I mean..."
"Yeah," Robyn shrugged. "she was decent. But how are you gonna ask her out on a date without us agreeing?"
"And without yo ass having money to even pay for a damn date," I added. "Me and Rob got the jobs, Mijo. You don't. So until you get a job, we'll do all the deciding."
"Yup," Robyn agreed as we walked off into the loft. "That we shall do, and I'm the brains of this bunch. So I'm the leader, I'll do all the talking on this date."
"Hey, what am I?" I asked. "I should be the leader! I'm the one that YALL have known for the longest!"
"You're the one that just does stuff and doesn't talk. You're the...action guy," Robyn told me. "Yeah, that's what you are. And Mijo is the other guy," she snickered. "Who just hangs around and does dumb sht with us."
"I work at that Art studio!" Barry shouted joining us at the dining room table. "I have a job!"
"Nigga..." Robyn and I say together, "You ain't got no job, man!"
We grabbed us a bunch of pieces of pizza and went to the living room to watch some scary sht on the SyFy channel.
"...Fine," Barry mumbled. "Be like that then," he grabbed some food and went to his room.
"The fck is his problem," Robyn asked before biting into a slice of pizza while staring at the tv.
"I don't know," I shrugged and opened a liter of pop for myself. "But he better not spill nothing on my fckn carpet with his clumsy ass."
"I don't even know why you let him go to his room with food in the first place," Robyn giggled and took a liter of pop to the head.
We watched television and fell asleep.