Chapter 20

A Few Days Later At Memorial Gardens

Tiffany knelt down at the foot of Chris’s grave and placed a bouquet of flowers there. Out of respect she had lain flowers at Chey and Shad’s graves too. For a few seconds she just stared at his headstone. Then she traced his name as it was engraved. Tiffany couldn’t believe he was dead. It was the first thing she thought when she heard the news when it first happened. It was the first thing she thought when she visited his grave for the first time a few months ago. Even now she was still in denial. But she knew the proof lay beneath her.

“He will swallow up death forever, and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces.” Tiffany read the Isaiah 25:8 quote engraved on the headstone. “I never even got to see you in your casket.” She whispered. In a way she was kind of glad for that. She wanted to remember him as he was, the hyperactive and laughing Chris, not the Chris lying very still in a casket.

When she heard the news she had cried deep and long in her soul. He was the only one who had tried to save her. The only one who had cared. Had treated her with nothing but kindness. But she didn’t want mere kindness. She wanted to be loved.

Further away Tori walked along the beaten path through the cemetery en route to the graves of her friends. When she neared the graves she discovered that there was someone already there. She recognized Tiffany without the woman even turning around. Why is she here? Tori wondered. But when she heard Tiffany talking, she made no move to interrupt her or make her presence known.

“Why couldn’t you just love me, Chris?” Tiffany said to the headstone. She was met with silence. “I guess it’s a little too late to ask you that. I think I already know the answer to that question. You only loved Torian. Even while you were with me you loved her. That wasn’t fair to me, Chris. I never had a chance! You took away my chance. But then I guess that was my own fault. I treated you badly. I gave up a good man and ended up with one that beat the crap out of me daily. I guess that was my karma. I deserved that.”

“No, you didn’t.” Tori finally interjected. Tiffany turned around in surprise to look at Torian as she walked forward. “No one deserves to get abused like that. Not even you.”

“Torian?” Tiffany looked at her. She started to say something else but decided to stay silent. She and her silent nemesis were face to face for the first time in five years. The two of them were never friends and while it’s true that there was never any real beef between them, Chris was always caught in the middle with Tiffany at his back and Torian in front of him. One stood and the other sat in awkward silence staring at each other. What was there to say, really? Then Tiffany spoke.

“I deserved what I got.” She admitted. It’s more than just the Chris thing. I’ve done a lot of stuff in my life. A lot of stuff I regret. I never had a dad. He was gone long before I was born. See, Mama was a ho and she had a pimp who routinely beat her. One night she didn’t make enough money to satisfy him and he went upside her head and as punishment, he told her he wanted pussy. My pussy. He said that if she refused he’d kill her and me too. So what could she do but give me to him?” Tiffany said with tears in her eyes.

“Tiffany…”

“I was eleven. That was the first time he ever touched me but it wasn’t the last. He tortured me, Tori, and had me thinking that it was my fault that he was raping me. He’d say, If you hadn’t been born, your mom would have been able to have my money. Nobody wants to f*** an out of shape b**** who has a kid’. Then there was the verbal abuse about how I was never going to be anything. That nobody wanted me or cared about me. That nobody would ever love my ugly, black ass. I set out to prove him wrong. Tried to find love with each and every man I could find but they all just wanted sex. And sex was the only way I could keep them with me. But Chris, Chris was different. He was…nothing like I’d ever encountered before. When I got with him I thought sex was expected but he never asked for a thing from me. I kept expecting him to turn out like all the others but he never did. I didn’t know how to act, Tori. I just did what was natural to me and it cost me him.”

Torian stood in silence staring down at the other woman who was now weeping openly. She felt sorry for her. That was a lot to go through. The pimp and his abuse, then Tony and his. Feeling as if there would never be anyone to love her. Torian had never had that feeling. She’d always had the love of her friends, family, and a good man. She never knew what it felt like to be without that, their deaths notwithstanding. Then Torian realized that Tiffany didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for her. She just wanted someone to love her. She dropped to her knees in front of Tiffany and grabbed her into a hug. Tiffany was taken back by the hug but she didn’t pull away. She continued to sob onto Torian’s shoulder.

“I hated you.” Tiffany whispered against her shoulder. “I hated you so much. You had everything I ever wished for myself. Why couldn’t I have that? Why couldn’t he love me like he loved you?”

“Chris was never supposed to be yours. He was just supposed to show you the way, I guess.” Torian answer as she pulled away from the hug and looked at her.

“The way to what?”

Tori didn’t answer right away. She wanted to choose her words carefully. “To love. To realize your own love. Didn’t he ever tell you to love yourself? No one can love you until you love yourself. Chris had a knack for reading people. I’m sure that he could tell you experienced your own horrors before he came along even if he didn’t know what they were. So even if he didn’t love you, he cared about you and even if he knew he wasn’t the one to love you he knew someone else would. Through himself he wanted to give you hope and restore your faith in love. That was his gift to you and a gift like that, can that not be called love?”

Tiffany looked at Tori with wide eyes. “Are you saying that Chris loved me?”

“Sure he did. It was just a different kind of love. Better than romance and flowers and candy. You just didn’t realize it then.” Tori replied.

“Do you still believe in God, Tori?”

That was a question few people asked her. Her parents never brought it up. The Browns never stressed her about it. And she’d put all thoughts of God out of her mind since the tragedy.

“I don’t know.” Tori answered her honestly. “I really don’t know.”

“Well, can I share something with you?” Not waiting for Tori to answer she continued. “I just realized how much God loves us. You want to know how I know? He gave us Chris, someone we both learned from. I cannot answer for Him as to why he took Chris away. Maybe he was only sent to be a beacon of faith, hope, and love for everyone who crossed his path. Maybe it shouldn’t matter how long he was here for. Maybe it should just matter that he was here and he taught us about God’s love. And maybe you’re still here because he passed Chris’s job on to you. Maybe it’s your turn to teach like you just taught me now. When your job is done He will return Chris to you. If you believe nothing else, believe that.”

Torian stared at Tiffany as she felt moisture slide down her cheeks. She hadn’t realized that she, too, was crying. “I know I’ve got to live my life but every day I miss him.” Tori shook her head. “I miss him so much.”

This time Tiffany grabbed Torian into a hug. Torian didn’t pull away and actually welcomed the hug. It was warm and friendly. She’d forgotten what a friend’s hug felt like. And she cried. She cried because she realized that it was time to let all of the hurt and anger she’d been holding in out before it consumed her. She was tired of being hurt. Tired of being angry. Tired of carrying all of that unhealthiness inside of her. It had to come out. So she cried…and Tiffany cried with her.

TBC…