You know, sometimes I think this is my limit. It feels as if I will never be anything more than what I am today. I try to have faith because if I don't believe in myself, then who will. But it's like how will I be able to better myself. How can I prosper when everyone seems to be bringing me down ? How can I prosper when I'm bringing myself down ? It's times like this that I wish I had someone to confide in. I can't even talk to my own family. They all think I'm living in some type of "fantasy world". To be quite honest; I am. Or at least I was. But last month, reality kicked in and I crashed back down to earth really hard. I cried for a week straight. There was nothing else I could do anyways. I couldn't talk because my mom wouldn't listen, my friends wouldn't care and music ? That was the main source of my problem. Besides, I couldn't bring myself together to write a decent song without crying; so I just stayed to myself... since I'm the only one I can count on.
I don't even know why I feel this way. I'm lying, I do know why I feel this way. But I don't know why I'm letting him get to me. I don't even know why I'm letting them get to me. I was fine my whole life so why is it effecting me NOW ? -sighs- I know the answer to that already so I don't know why I'm fronting and tryna play dumb.
Music is my escape from the world... my escape from life. Without music in my life, IDK where I would be. Music is ALL I have. And that brings me to my future... is this my limit ? Is this all I'm worth ? Will my dreams ever come true ? For more than one reason, I feel as if I have an actual purpose here. There was a reason she did not go through with that particular decision. And if I'm right, music is my reason for being here. Sure, I know almost everyone dreams to make it in the industry but to me this is more than just a dream. I ain't in it for the money, the fame, the designer clothes... FCK THAT ! Those things are secondary. My love for music is ALL that matters. When I'm singing I feel at ease. No worries in the world, just pure bliss. I don't think anything feels better than that. Singing makes me happy. It makes my life worth living. Without it, I'd probably... no, I WILL be nothing. I have a back-up tho... go to Rutgers; double major in music management/ merchandising && political science, minor in criminology. BUT, I'm not actually planning on doing that right now. I am interested in other things besides music but none of them make me happy enough to want to pursue it for the rest of my life. Law takes too freaking long and I REFUSE to go to school for over 10 more years. I hate that place. Nursing; nah I hate blood/ dead people. Teaching; ha ! I might get fired my first day for whooping some kid's ass. Police officer: No, I hate them fckers. You see, nothing else works ! Nothing else would make me happy. I don't even have to be the artist. I'll be good with songwriting too. As long as I'm surrounded by music, I'm happy. -sighs- I just HATE how I have the feeling that I'm never gonna make it. That fcking hurts like hell. I try to keep a positive mind but how the fck can I when nothing ever seems to go right ? I want to make her proud, I really do and that's why I want this now more than ever. I want her to be here when I make it. I want to get her out of here. I mean, don't get me wrong I LOVE Brooklyn to death... born && raised, all I've ever known. But that's just it; it's ALL I've ever known. I want to know more. I just don't feel like I belong here anymore. Brooklyn is NOT for me. Before, maybe; but the person I am NOW ? Not a chance. I'm so different from most of the girls here. I ain't gonna front or lie because I know it, I'm nothing like them. Why you think I don't chill on my block ? It's 'cause I know I have different views, beliefs, values and goals from them. In all actuality, I don't know where I belong but I know for sure it's not here.
I accept who I am. But will other people accept me ? In all honesty; I don't give a fck what people think anymore. Why ? Because it's pointless. People who you try to fit in with are trying to fit in with other people themselves and it's a ridiculous cycle that will NEVER end. BE YOUR FCKING SELF FOR CRYING OUT LOUD ! You were born alone; not with the rest of your town. You are your own person. Individuality is what makes you stand out, unforgettable, different from everyone else. It's what makes you, YOU. And without that, you might as well have been a victim of identity theft.
But it's whatever, I am done with this. But there is a question that still remains unanswered: Is this my limit ? I'll never know until I try.