Newsletter Link

14 Fans Online
The Unlikely Disciple - added 03.

A/N: Sorry it's slightly boring and rushed lol, for those that are not used to my writing ways lol, best tip would be to kind of remember little things from the start to end, because it always comes back up.

I`m still a little rusty, so bare with me lol
===========================================================

I would say that I am the most religious, non-religious person I know of; Throughout my years I have been given obstacles, protectors, enemies, signs, gifts, everything. Considering the way I was to the way I am, I have grown so much.

I am baptised under the Christian Belief but I prefer not to be restricted by religions many man-made rules, so I like to think that I belong to no religion, and I believe I don’t need a building to believe in God or Jesus. I don’t live life religiously, nor do I attend Church every Sunday. But at the end of the day, I feel I am one of the most appreciative and faithfully loyal children of Jesus, and God.

I believe in the saying, “To give a life, you must take a life” and on this day, the day I was born, the godfather of the crime family, The Gambino family was killed, along with his consigliere and a few others in cold blood, by an underboss John Gotti in the efforts to take over the family as the Don. Because a lot of powerfully intimidating people had to pass for me to be born, I must have some sort if importance in this world. I was born December 16th, 1985 in a small insignificant outer suburb of the capital city; one of those hidden treasures no one knows is there unless they actually drive into the town instead of driving passed, only to stop in at the local gas station on the main road.

I wasn’t born into a fairytale billion dollar family, my father was a truck driver for the local gold mine, whereas my mom was a stay at home mother. We weren’t rich, but were well off because of my father’s job. Our house wasn’t anything to brag about, it was your average suburban 3 bedroom home, with a backyard big enough for us to play in and a neighbourhood safe enough for us to walk with our parents to the local freshwater river that was located down the road.

I have two older brothers, Cruden and Lennox and growing up we didn’t have a perfect sibling-ship as we use to fight, a lot! which continued far into our teenage years.

Before our teenage years, even our children years, our lives took a turn for the worst as the news of my daddy passing away. My mother’s heart was broken, and we were young enough to be too confused about why our dad wasn’t waking up from his sleep. I was 3-years old.
Who really remembers when they were 3-yrs young? I do, partially, and not for the sweet loveable memories you would think, not even for some sorry abusive memory. This was the year I lost the one person I would miss, crave, and mourn for throughout my entire life, the one I would take years to accept had gone, and would Also take this long for me to forgive god for ripping him from me and taking away my father away.
The only thing I really remember without any alteration was the aftermath from my dad collapsing in the small hallway when he had returned from work. How do I remember this? I don’t know, I don’t remember if I was there when he actually fell from the heart attack. I just remember me and my two older brothers, who were 4 and 6 at the time, were led into our parents room by our mother. The room was surrounded by my dad’s closest work friends, his sports club friends, and our family as he lay in my parents’ bed asleep, or so I thought. I remember walking in scared, looking around the room at the familiar presences in the room, yet their faces unrecognizable from the sorrow. I watched as my brothers climbed onto the bed to sit next to our dad, I tilted my head wondering why he didn’t wake up as someone lifted me up and sat me next to my dad as I crawled into the blankets and snuggled into him. I guess he was just extra tired from work and needed to sleep.
My memories draw a blank from that point but soon flash in of my family sitting in the back of a van. I sat across from my mother who was hugging my two brothers as I sat somewhat elevated, I remember sitting on a brown box playing with a toy. Later to learn we were heading to my fathers last resting place as I sat on top of his coffin, oblivious to my surroundings.

In our culture we keep those that have passed away for three days, the first day is for the immediate family, the second day is for the friends and family, and the third day is for those that need to travel from afar, including overseas. His days were spent on the road, we lived at the bottom of the North Island and he was to be buried at the tip of the North Island, which is around a 12hour drive.
Throughout those three days the only thing I remember is the last day, leaning into my father’s coffin as he lay in state. I remember looking at his face and thinking to myself, “Why isn’t my dad waking up yet?” I don’t remember if I knew he was dead or even understood what dead meant, But I hated that he wouldn’t open his eyes. I hated that he wouldn’t move, and I hated that he wasn’t giving my hugs and kisses.
I guess this is where my life just got harder, and my faith in God or anything good slowly began to deteriorate.

Commenti

I'm. Gonna read when I get off
Lol

I have to close in like 5 mins
Soooo like a couple hrs for me to get home && settled
:)

<3

Nqawwww thankies <3 .. and also thankies for reading my story and commenting

Aww man shes going through a tough time also i like how you did that recap thing
Run it!!!

Sorry for the long one, these were actual events from my life so it was really hard for me to write some parts, which is why I left so much out and wanted to just get it done lol. Thanks in advance for the read. First time I have ever written about my bestie passing away, guess it’s a healing process for me as well, or so I just realised.
=============

<storng>(Recap)<strong><em>My closest girl mate, Trisha asked if I wanted to go in by James, but I couldn’t bare to believe that was him, and if I didn’t see he was gone forever, then it wasn’t real. Age 9 and already in denial.</em>
===

I finally convinced myself to go in by him; I slowly crept around the corner with my eyes focussed on the ground. I heard everyone talking in whispers as I looked up a little and saw the bottom of his casket, the texture of the silk that covered majority of his body as I felt the tears well up again, I was scared to accept the truth and also scared to be around his family since he had told me that his mother didn’t like me, I guess it was because of all the bad things we use to get up to as kids. With a heavy exhale of my breath, my eyes followed the textured silk up towards his broad shoulders in a two-toned jersey; Then finally his face,

It didn’t look like him. His big brown ayes weren’t fluttering at me, his huge goofy and mischief smile wasn’t there, he wasn’t my James.

My eyes closed from the pain of all my salty tears, my heart was broken and that lingering smell of roses mixed with death filled the air. Even though it was clearly James lying before me, in my head it wasn’t him, I don’t know who this person is, lying in this dark wooden box.
His arms were laid by his side under the silk cover. His tearful mother gestured me into a hug and to sit next to his casket, I accepted and sat there staring at him as she rubbed my back.

These were the longest three days of my life; I hadn’t cried and missed someone ever before, not even my father this much.

On the second day of his funeral we had to go to school to receive our certificates from sports day the week before, it was compulsory. During lunch break we all sat in a classroom bay listening to music, it was ok because all our friends were there, being brave for each other. There was a slight breeze as I smelt a hint of roses mixed with death as I choked a little. Everyone looked at me in awe as a song (one sweet day) me and James use to always sing came onto the radio. I felt a sensation inside me; it was a mixture of broken sorrow and excitement at the same time as I watched a boy, named Warren walk passed us with a disgusting smile on his ugly mouth as I frowned. One of the boys yelled out, “What are you looking at” and he responded, “Haha, James is dead” .. It was like an instant reaction, no words said, and no blink of the eye; I flew maybe 2 metres from the stoop to Warren within seconds as my fist collided with his face. I had never felt so angry in my life, all my pain, suffering, and sorrow stirred into one potent concoction as I picked him up and slammed him into the ground, jumped on top of him and started punch my pain and hurt into his face and body. He managed to push me off him and as he was about to run away I grabbed his arm, twisting it in the process and pulled my knee up and snapping it with my shin. Nobody has the right to say something like that and I made sure he felt the pain I felt. We were all sent home soon after that incident and the teachers apologised to our parents for making it compulsory to attend school when we weren’t ready.

I sat next to his casket and didn’t move, just sat there staring at him. My aunty Vivien sat next to me and pulled me into a hug and rocked me, “Are you ok baby?” she asked as I didn’t reply, “Your pain will heal with time” she continued
I turned to look at her, “Did someone move him?” I whispered coldly and emotionless,
She looked at James then at me, “No darling, no one moved him?” she questioned
I frowned, “Are you sure? Because when I first saw him, his arms were like this” I said as I crossed my arms over my chest,
“No baby they didn’t, and would have never been like that” she said
I shook my head, “he was, I saw him, your lying” I said not believing her,
“Baby, his arms were too damaged when the car hit him, that’s why they are down by his side” she said as I shook my head, stood up and left.

I now know that she was right, his arms were pretty much skinned from being dragged from the car, the wounds he suffered were so severe, and they used the silk cover to cover from just under his chin, down to his feet.

The third and last day was the hardest for me, as much as I was hurting, our friend William was even worse. He was there when it happened, they were jumping off the local bridge into the river below, and at the splash of William hitting the water was a thud of the car hitting James. He made James go swimming with them, and he felt like he was the reason James died. As much as he felt it was his fault, it wasn’t. it was meant to be, and everything happens for a reason.

I remember we use to always collect NBA cards and I had 3 cards that he wanted, gold signature Michael Jordan, Scotty Pippen, and Magic Johnson but would never trade them with him. On the last day I would ever see him physically again, I neatly placed them along the bottom of his casket, as did all our other friends with NBA cards, XMEN cards, and Wrestling figurines. Everything he wanted from us, we gave them.

When they were closing his casket, it was so hard to say goodbye, I didn’t want to but I knew I had to, the room was filled with people that were all crying, his favourite older cousin was playing some jams on the guitar, singing through his tears. I sat quietly in my own personal bubble mourning. I stood and walked over to him and leaned into him and placed a gentle kiss on him and whispered “Good-bye my friend”, at this point I hated everything and everyone, I hated he was taken away from me, I hated I was so sad, I hated I couldn’t stop crying, and I hated feeling this emptiness inside my body where my heart should have been. I guess you could say that my heart went into his casket before it closed.

As they placed his casket over the top of the hole that would be his last resting place, my heart beat was hard and loud, I wasn’t ready for this.

My last words to him was singing one sweet day by Mariah Carey and Boyz to men, with all our friends standing behind me singing with me, and because of this I would never listen to that song for 13 years, when I turned 21
==========
Runn it??

Awee no new runs, all goods..
I`ll work on another add xo

Oh my gosh!
That's so sad man.
Like she lost her dad && her best friend her ace boon coon
&& she's not even 10 yet

I see why he thinks the way she des man
Fckd up

Runs!

Its okay. i like how you put bits and pieces of your life in the story it kinda of makes it more real. Kinda got teary eyed when i read this. I love this story so far
Run it!!!

Gah damn.

Okay . . . . I'm reading I'm reading
Lol

02.

9 Years Old

We had moved to a new town when I was 4, leaving the city of tears to a newer and brighter future, or so I thought. We moved to where my grandmother and my mom’s sister along with her children lived. Most people are raised by their grandmothers who love them and teach them how to live their life, not my grandmother though. She had given my mom away when she was a baby to her sister because she couldn’t look after her and the rest of the children, my grandfather didn’t like this so every time he saw my mom he would give her anything and everything up until the time he died. My nana hated that my granddad loved his daughter more than his wife, so of course this would be passed onto her children, me being one of those children.
Don’t get me wrong she still looked after us and showed us love, she just favoured her other grandchildren more than me and my brothers, and I guess you could say we were the black sheep of the family. I just figured she didn’t like us as much because we didn’t have a dad.

I didn`t understand why my cousins could eat and drink whatever they wanted when we were at my grandmothers house, when me and my brothers were told what to eat and drink. I don`t remember the actual move to our new town, I didn’t even know that I was the one that picked out our home once my mother had saved enough to move from my grandmas. Looking back throughout my life I have learnt that everything happens for a reason, we go through these things for a reason, and the decisions we make happen, FOR A REASON.

So I was in school and had an awesome close knit bunch of friends, all males. I seemed to get along with males more than females. I wasn’t an aggressive child even though I felt that within myself, I was battling my own emotions.
It was November and the days were getting warmer, see that’s coming out of the winter season so of course we were out more with our friends. In some strange way and from what I’ve learnt I was meant to die this month and two times I had strangely escaped the grasp of death.

The first time I escaped death, we were walking to school and had to cross the long straight road. I saw a school bus filled with children coming from the Right towards us but it was far down the road so we had plenty of time to cross, I turned to the left and there were no vehicles on the road. I stepped out and as I got to the centre of the road, within the blink of an eye, the buses were on both sides of me but the drivers didn’t slow down. My best friend, <a href=" http://25.media.tumblr.com/eb2d09e4c5ff35b3844b873d086a8f7a/tumblr_mes2h1g1ES1qhy093o1_500.jpg">James</a>, grabbed me and held onto me as I felt the rush of wind swish at my blouse and shorts, my long brown loose curls blew everywhere as I felt like I was going to get sucked under the bus. My heart was beating fast as we ran to the other side of the road; I can’t remember the after mass of that except going to school.

The second time, we parked parallel to the shop as I looked in front and behind us before opening the door and getting out of the car, within the blink of the eye, a white Ute Truck was a right in front of me as I felt myself being pulled onto the bonnet of the car as the Ute Truck sped passed us. I grabbed my chest because it felt like my heart was about to explode out of my chest as I tried to catch my breath, turning around to see James had gotten out of the car, and jumped over the bonnet to pull me to safety. I don’t remember the after mass of that, besides walking into the shop and buying whatever we had to go to the shop for.

It was nearing the end of November and from previous weeks I was really over the whole “nearly dying” phase, what would have happened if James wasn’t there to protect me. Everyday leading up to the end of November me and James hung out, with the rest of our friends just mucking around, doing what all little kids do.. Have an adventure

It was the last weekend of November and I remember James had lost his Robocop toy, which Cruden found on the side of the street, when I saw it I told him it was James but he didn’t believe me. I remember the day was hot, James and William, our other best friend ran down to my house, since they lived up the road from me and asked if I wanted to go swimming at the river with them. I wanted to go but wasn’t allowed since it was a grand aunt’s birthday and my mom wouldn’t let me go because we had to help set up. They said goodbye as I sat and sulked all afternoon, I went with my mom to go setup but didn’t help at all because I was having a tantrum about not going.

~**~

The next morning I woke up early and started to get ready for the birthday, I really wanted to wear this blue baseball T-shirt I loved but it had just been washed so it was still wet. We were too poor to own a dryer but I really wanted to wear this top so I used my ingenuity and turned the oven on, pulled the oven door down, placed the metal stool on the door and hung my T-Shirt on the edge to draw.

I remember sitting on the ground next to the oven and waited for my top to draw, I was too scared that if I left it, it might fall and burn the house down and my mom would get angry, so I stayed by it, checking and turning it every few seconds-minutes.
I remember it so vividly as my moms yellow and black mustang sped up the driveway and I heard it come to a halt under the car park, I stood up with wide eyes as I turned the oven off and grabbed my top, it was slightly damp but my mom said when she got back me and my brothers has to be ready to leave. I returned the stool back to the bar bench and closed the oven as I dashed into the room to change, I heard the car door close and then the backdoor open as my mom yelled out to me.

I threw on some jeans and my blue top then ran out to my mom.

“Yes mama? I’m ready” I smiled as I tucked my top into my jeans. (I know so retarded),
“Baby come here” she said motioning me to her as she sat down on the dinning room chair, as I walked over she pulled me onto her lap,
“Yes mama?” I smiled as she hugged me,
“Baby I need to tell you something, but its ok, ok?” she said in a questioning tone as I looked a little confused,
“Are we late for Grandaunt Raewyn’s birthday aye mama?” I asked looking at her then down at my shirt as I pouted, “I dried this especially for her birthday” I continued as my moms face dropped a little, from what I know now, she was trying to be strong for me.

“We’re not going to the birthday no more baby, we have to go to your friend James’s house” she said
I stood up, jumping around, “Is James coming with us? That’s awesome, I`ll just run up the road and get him” I said running to get my shoes,
“Baby, James isn’t coming” she said as I turned confused,
“Then why are we going to his house” I laughed a little,
“Baby, yesterday there was an accident at the river when they were swimming” she said as I just stood and stared at her,
“What? What do you mean?” I asked, “What kind of accident?” I asked,
“Baby, James was hit by a car, and he didn’t make it” she said slow and clearly as I choked a little then laughed, “what? No! What did you say?” I asked even though I knew what she said,
“He was hi..” I nodded and walked out and headed to my room,
“I don’t like this top, I have to change it for the birthday” I yelled back as I walked into my room and pulled the top off and stared at it, the more I stared at it the more dark spots appeared on it as I threw it on the other side of my bed.

I remember arriving at his house; I stared at the yellow panels, white window frames, and two little kids sitting by the door playing on a portable Tetris game. There were a lot of cars parked everywhere on the front yard and the road, there was a lot of people in the backyard and I could see marquees. I wasn’t crying, I wasn’t anything, just emotionless.

We got to the door and just before I walked in I looked down at James’s two little cousins and broke into tears, one of them looked exactly like him. It was the type of cry where you couldn’t breathe as I realized that the one person I could depend on, and against his mothers wishes still hung out with me everyday.

I remember they tried to usher me in by his coffin but I refused to go in as I fell to the ground and broke down crying, I remember someone picking me up and pulling me into a hug, it was his sisters Liz and Jascinta. We sat just outside the door at a table, I remember we sat there for maybe 3 hours, there wasn’t much people inside at this point, as I told his sisters I was fine and they could go and do what they needed.

I stood and slowly walked to the edge of the doorway and stood to the side, wondering whether or not I should go in. I built up my courage and slowly peeped around the corner, I saw the bottom of his coffin as I followed it up to see his arms crossed over his chest, there was an outline of light behind him and it looked like he was propped up on a slight angle as I closed my eyes tightly and ran back to the table and sat down, tears still falling I looked at the ground as I kept wiping them away.

Another 3 hours had passed as the last of my close knit of friends arrived and we sat around the table, they all talked a little as I sat in silence, I could see they wanted me to talk but it felt like I could talk, like my throat had something stuck in it the prevented me from talking. I just nodded my head at their questions.

My closest girl mate, Trisha asked if I wanted to go in by James, but I couldn’t bare to believe that was him, and if I didn’t see he was gone forever, then it wasn’t real. Age 9 and already in denial.
===========

I think I will continue this in the next add lol, sorry James was my actual BFF that passed away when we were 9, so all the “James” parts are actually from my life, It hurts bringing up these memories and writing it out for the first time, I think I stopped and cried like 4 times just writing it lol.. Omgosh so sorry guys.. but will continue it in the next add.

Run it!!!

Aweee only 1 run :( ..
It`s cool..

Working on a new add now

Whoa.

At first I was like "WHAT? She in a mob family."
But I think that was just in there. Lol

I could see why she'd lose faith ik her feelings over losing a parent.
But if I was older than three like her I would NOT have made it through
those three days.

Damn.
Took her pops.

I like it, Harley Quinn!
Runs. Runs.