Like I don't matter. Its not that nothing matters; No its just me. I am tired, mentally and emotionally-- Its starting to show physically..My body is weak and my feet have grown stiff. I will not look back on my past and dwell on it. But it will not leave me alone because history keeps repeating itself. For a memory I thought would die makes a way to replay itself everyday. I KNOW I am NOT perfect and I have made mistakes. But I personally think I have paid my debt. Or maybe it is that my mistakes were that deep in the scar to the point I deserve to suffer a little bit more longer. But I don't know how much more longer I have. I always believed you go through the things you do when you're down once you've fallen to make you get up 10 times stronger; If that really is the case then I must be the strongest motherfu--- I mean female to walk this side of the earth. I am not going to sit here and make up excuses saying my life is worse than anyone else's..No, because I know while I'm here wallowing in my misery there is someone out there who has it far worse than me. They are those that I pray for. Some say use "Blind Faith" I have been hearing that phrase being tossed around a lot. But what is it really? Trust that things will get better without there really being a sign that it will..you know how many YEARS I've invested in faith and got nothing in return? Wow because I woke up this morning there is hope yet? First of all who said I wanted to wake up, so when I open my eyes its like throwing salt on an open fresh womb. What theres hope that today will be better, when in reality it is the same as yesterday. Yeah my hope has ran dry as a well in the Sahara Desert. There is no hope. Instead of sitting here forming tears of sorrow I should be crying tears of joy, reaching out and thanking God for all my blessing. Being grateful for what I have today. But honestly how can I bare to let the words even slip out my mouth and say I'm grateful for something I've honestly never had; Happiness. I'm beginning to believe this life isn't even mine, but yet people want to put claim on it as if it is just because this life has my name- maybe even my face. I am not who I am. I am not who I want to be nor who I need to be. But what am I suppose to be? Is this the path that is destined for me? The life to a dead end stop...so why am I still here. I don't even know I'm still trying to figure that out. I smile for days when I have sorrow in my eyes, drowning in my fears every night. I used to fear that I would be unsuccessful- and that I am. I feared that I would alone- and as I look around in this empty room; its my reality. I feared I would be unloved forever--and not one time have I looked at myself in mirror telling me "I love you" and meant it.........See today I feel lefted out as I look around and everyone is moving on with their lives except me: they have their life in order; the fancy careers, their loved one are there, moving into new different ventures in their life...some well most of them have kids...Everyone is doing what they're suppose to be doing or living the life they choose. Now stop. I have grown through the years to know and realize that I can't go around blame everyone else for MY life. Some say I'm being selfish and being greedy because I want too much, That I should be grateful [again with that word] that I even have a roof over my head...But I would rather live somewhere else than where I am now. I've adapted to bullshiit all my life so I think I can handle a cardboard box or a shelter group home- I have before. And I'm selfish plus greedy?? When is it wrong to want a better life for yourself, how is it wrong to NOT want to settle for less?? Materialist things don't run my life- I don't need a lot of money, a mansion, fame, and an Aston Martin to please me-- I just want a damn break, I want to be able to breath without anyone breathing down my neck telling me all the things I've done wrong stomping me to the ground instead of helping me get up and make things right. BUT they do say you'll know whose real and who ain't when you are in your darkest hour; when shiit hits the fan and no one is around...that should really tell you something.. But again like I said I don't blame anyone, I blame the only person who has my name: ME. Because when I wake up in the morning- I walk in MY OWN shoes..no one else does. Religious people say "This battle is not yours; Its the Lord's" well no disrespect/no offense/ & no pun intended...But explain to me again why I am fighting? Fighting to survive, fighting to be happy...just let me die and be over with it already, I'm going to die anyway..we all have to. I have no choice if I want to die or not, I had no choice in being born..therefore going along with that some of the things that has happened in my life I had no choice over, no type of say so whatsoever...Again I say THIS IS NOT MY LIFE! I'm not biitching or moaning/groaning or complaining about anything. I am only telling it how it is. I look around and everyone look as if they're moving forward and my life is on pause or something. Why? Thats a good question, and when you figure out the answer let me know. Some have even told me I'm living in fear..No they have it twisted; Its not that I am living in fear-Its that my fears are my reality. I want to find the darkest corner on the earth, run there just curl up and die. Another fear of mine was that I would never be proud of myself and as I sit here thinking [extremely hard] trying to remember a time where I was..I can't- every thought is a blank. Which is a damn shame. I wish my mother had've gotten an abortion or my father would've just been smart and worn a condom. Everyone would've been a lot happier. Maybe my mother's next pregnancy she would've had a boy- Like she really wanted all along, I wouldn't even be in the picture.....I don't fear anything anymore. The way I see it; You get over your fears right after you go through it. And I've been through the worse. So I fear nothing and no one. A lot of people fear death, but ironically I don't. Death is your friend, when you can't take life anymore and you're just simply plain sick and tired of it all; Death will come in and say "I understand" and take you out of your pain. I'm sitting here and I am wondering what am I doing. Seriously what am I doing with myself and my life. I'm so too tired to cry. I'm too tired to even care. Yet my heart still pumps red, I figured by now my heart would be black as coal but it isn't- I still love, I still feel, I still hurt...No one gives a fuuck, so why should I? But I do anyway. I whimper when I'm alone, when I slip and fall & when I hit rock bottom to realize there is no one around to catch me, when I reach my hand out and there isn't anyone to hold me and tell me its going to be okay- BUT help makes things better, when I suffer for things that aren't even my fault, when I look out the window and see the world moving but yet I sit still. Misery loves company, guess what: Misery is my best friend. Torture is my husband; Guilt and bullshiit is my mistress. And death is knocking on my door, but the door is bolted so I can't answer...It hurts so bad- FUUCK ME! && FUUCK MY LIFE!... I'm completely and utterly pathetic, but I'm used to it. I walk around as if everything is fine. I lie. But so what, don't act as if you never have! Some people say they hate liars and liars don't get any of their sympathy-- So I guess that means you hate yourself as well and self pity within you runs low. Don't judge me when you are no better than I. NO ONE is perfect, get over it! The moment people come to terms with that..things will begin to evolve. Some say it isn't like that but they judge anyway. No one knows me better than God, so if you're not him then you can't say you do! I swear to God if I snuck into his library and found the book of your life and exploited you; you wouldn't like it and I'd find the dirt swiped under your rug and the bones in your closet. Yeah again I say I am not perfect. I lied- To keep from someone's feelings getting hurt. I cheated- Attempting to get ahead in life. I stoled- Back what was rightfully mine. I've killed- My pride everytime I did something I didn't want to. making a sacrifice trying to make someone else happy. I honored my mother and father- Honored them as much as they respected me...but I more than likely still honored them far more. I committed adultery- I've mentally lusted plenty of times, though thats normal everyone has thought about sex at least once; especially in this day and age. I treated thy neighbor as I wanted to be treated- But after those heffas still treated me like crap; I still smiled because I know one day they're going to get theirs....So don't judge me because you are no better than I. Though I've done wrong in my life- still I try. Try to make everything better so I can feel at least okay. I've swallowed my pride just to make you smile. I'd even knock down my self esteem if it meant you'd be happy for a little while. I am not the bad person you're making me out to be, I only mentally slit my wrist so I can finally feel free. But only God can save me but he already has- its time I saved myself. Because when the chips fall down its me that is there; I am the only one I can run to when I need help. If God can restore sight in a blind man and noise in the deaf- why is it so difficult to believe he can do the same for me? The only thing I want is my freedom and the chains to be broken within my spirit. Evil leave me alone! Can't you see I am an angel with broken wings, I just need someone to fix them so I can get back to heaven; The place I'm suppose to be!