I AM just a Lost Soul
on this crazy road
searching tryna find a home
carrying this heavy load
wandering the earth alone
when will I be whole?
Chapter 3: Dreams & Nightmares pt. 1
Hands. Small hands were on my face. My face scrunched up as I opened my eyes. Eyes...big hazel eyes staring directly at me. "Kayuh…" I turn away from him, and pull the blanket over my head. If my calculations are correct, he'll be jumping on the bed in 5, 4, 3, 2… "Wake up!!!!", my younger brother, Khyree screams as he jumps up and down on my bed.
"Wake up, wake up. Kay, get up!" I can only groan. Why can't this 6 year old let me sleep in peace? I lied perfectly still, hoping that would get him to leave. Fat chance!
His angelic little face curled up into sweet smile as he plopped down on me. "Kayaa, I'm hungry. Please feed me." "Aurghhhh!!", I sprang up surprising him. "You know who else is hungry?! The tickle monster!!" "No, Kay...stop!", he laughed as I tickled him all over! "No mercy for you lil one!", I laughed.
"Coow! Help me, she got me!" he screamed in laughter for our brother Kyle. I covered his mouth so Kyle wouldn't hear him, but it was too late. Kyle came into the room and ran straight to Khy's aid. "Traitor!" I yelled to Khyree as I attempted to run from Kyle. I darted across the room while Kyle and Khyree stared at me with evil smirks on their faces. "Get her!", they yelled and ran straight towards me. "No!", I shrieked as I ran into the hallway. Kyle was too fast and tackled me to the floor.
"Get her back Khyree!", Kyle said to him. He held me down as Khyree tickled my feet. I laughed and tried to get away, but he was too strong. "Ok, Uncle!! I give up. I give up!", I said as they let me go. Kyle helped me off the floor and picked Khy up. "I thought you were my friend Khy. You betrayed me", I said giving him a fake pout and sad eyes. "I'm sorry Kayah. Forgib me please", he said with a puppy dog look I couldn't help but crack a smile at.
"You know you my prince Khy", I smiled while kissing his cheek and tousling his hair. "Now that that's settled, who's hungry?", Kyle asked.
"Me!!", Khyree said loudly. "Ok lil prince lets get some grub before school", Kyle said while hoisting him in the air. He ran around the room pretending to be an airplane and letting Khyree fly. Watching my brothers interact, made me smile. No matter what was going on with our mom or us, Khyree Jacob Samuels always put a smile on our faces. Man has time flown since we moved to Bmore about eight years ago. It seems like a lifetime ago.
"Look mommy! The clouds are so white and poofy!", I said to my mother on the airplane. We were flying from LA all the way to Baltimore. Me and Kyle were only eight at the time. We were both so excited because it was our first time being on an airplane. Our mother, Sanai had a new job as a teacher there so were leaving the only place we'd ever known to be home. "It looks like white doo doo!", Kyle said while giggling.
"No it doesn't", our mother said with a smile. Her dark smooth hair, bold yet chinky eyes and full lips were inherited from her. She said we got our smooth skin and smiles from our dad. "It looks like freedom to me." "How?", asked Kyle. "Because they're just floating above everything. They have the power to bring good and bad. And with clouds you know the sun is shining through on the other side. That's freedom to deal with good and bad things, but still see the sunshine. You two understand?"
We nodded our heads at the wisdom we weren't quite able to comprehend at 8 years old. "I still say it looks like doo doo", Kyle said. We all laughed and giggled. Hours later, we were here in the cool breeze of a Baltimore summer. It was no LA, but we made friends fast that year, while our mom taught summer school. She's been raising us on her own since we were three. Our father moved away, she told us. We barely have any memories of him. Just a picture of him, Kyle and I on our second birthday. We have cake all over our faces, but we're smiling. Everything was going great for a while. Then Rick came along...
"Kaya! Ky!", Kyle shouted to get my attention. "Huh? What?", I asked. "Get outta la la land girl, we gotta go soon.", he nudged me with a chuckle. I quickly ate a bowl of cereal. Checking the time, I saw it was 6:30 meaning we had to drop Khy off and get to school by 8am. I quickly got dressed in an old American Flag tank top, some black jeans and my black old chucks after showering. I left my room and waited for my brothers to come from their room. When Kyle walked out, he was wearing a similar outfit. He had on a red, white and blue American flag tshirt, with blue jeans and some red chucks. He saw me and just stared at me for a second. "Hey that's my shirt!", he said. "So what, it looks better on me.", I said sticking my tongue out at him. "I'm gonna go change.", he said. "Why? Besides, we have no time.", I said. "Its so predictable and f***ing cheesy man.", he said. "Oh well, get over it. Khy! Time to go!", I yelled for Khyree.
Kyle and I reached school with just minutes to spare after dropping Khyree off at school. 7:55am, just in time for homeroom. "Ill see you later Kaya", Kyle said to me after seeing his best friend, Darren waiting for him by his locker. He hugged me and I stopped him before he left. "Hey you good?", I asked him. I wanted to make sure he was ok after what happened with Khyree earlier. Let's just say it wasn't pretty. "Yea Kay, I'm fine aight? Just get to class. I'll see you later", he said with a small smile. I could tell he wasn't but I wasn't going to push it.
It was 12pm, on a Friday and I honestly wanted nothing more than to be done with today. I stood at my locker, switching my books from earlier with the ones I would need for later. Zipping up my backpack, I closed my locker and rushed down the hall and up the stairs to my next class. English…fun. The first half of my day was a blur and I spent lunch alone in the library like always. I walked into my English class, and took a seat at the back. Looking around the room, I heard people making plans for the weekend, talk of going to parties and who was dating who filled the room as students poured in. Our teacher soon came in the room and jumped right into his lecture. I found Mr. Morales' class interesting and he always found a way to tie in what we were reading with real life. Right now, we were studying great poets and Langston Hughes "A Dream Deferred" was our focus.
"So what happens to dreams deferred? How do they become deferred?", he posed to the class. The class discussed the topic for a while. Some people had differing views on the subject, so he posed an assignment for us. "I want you all to write a poem about your dreams. It could be any dream, professional, family, love, anything you really want. In your poem I want you to write about how your life would be different 10 years from now, if that dream was never realized", he said.
Hearing all this talk about dreams made my mind wander. What are my dreams? What do I love to do? I know that I loved to sing. Making music has always been a dream of mine. I'm too shy to sing in public and only my brothers have really heard my voice. They tell me I'm good and I think I am too. But so much is going on at home, with the rent money being due, my momma in the streets and trying to hold it all together it gets hard. Sometimes I dream that my mother would stop doing drugs and get her s*** together. I dream about being a regular kid and having no responsibilities. I dream of a better life for me and my brothers. The sound of the school bell jolted me from my thoughts. I gathered my belongings and walked out into the hall.
Nothing was going right for us and I couldn't help but think, will I forever be living a nightmare?
i love the banner by the way...
sounds interesting cant wait to read more
adding in a bit..can I get some feedback???
Run it!! I'm adding tomorrow!!
Run it!!!! Give me feedback ppl!!
Chapter 2 "Afraid"
I lie here afraid...everyday I'm afraid. His face haunts my nightmares and my realities. There is no escape . We'll never get out. Sure, we tried to leave, but what is a battered woman and a 16 year old kid with no money gonna do?! He found us anyway. He beat her, then he beat me. Told her if she ever tried to leave, he would kill her.
Everything was fine, until they got married. After that, he just beat the life right out of her. It started out small. A bruise here, an excuse there. She tried to hide it from me. But after a while, she couldn't. He started drinking more, enforcing crazy rules and cutting off our family and friends. I was only 13. There was nothing I could do, so I had to live with it. Now, three years later I'm a prisoner in my own home. I wouldn't call this dirty, 2 bedroom apartment home...but he forced us to move.
The rain tapping on my window should've been an indication of how the day was gonna end. I can only hope right now, that things get better. Home is a hell hole and school is no better. My mom tells me to go, she tells me its my only way out of all this. But I don't believe that s***! How can calculus and history help me fight off the niggas tryna whoop my ass everyday? One day, I hope I can wake up and not be afraid. Thinking of a new song, I pick up my pen and continue to write…
I get up
I see the clouds from my window
I pray the sun gon' shine this way
And where I go as the wind blow
Momma your son gonna find his way
And if I gotta crawl I'mma make to the end though
Up to the top if climb my way
And tell 'em I'mma rise
I'm on my Headed for the sky
I'm on my way…
Slam!!! The sound of the door slamming as the walls shake jars me from my writing. Ray . I look up at my door as my mom comes in. "Jace, baby dinner's ready", she says in a hushed voice. I just look at her for a moment. I wonder if her pain will ever end. Can I take her away from this one day? She notices me staring at her and walks over to my bed. Sitting next to me, she says, "Jace...baby I'm ok."
"Not you're not, Ma", I say.
"Baby, I'm ok. I don't need you worryin so much about me. That's my job."
"Ok", I say defeated. There's nothing I can say right now. Neither of us know what to say.
Noticing my journal, she asks, "What you writing?" She grabs it and reads over it quickly.
"Oh my baby, my sweet baby. I know things are bad, but we'll make it through this".
"You promise?", I ask hopeful that she's right. "I promise. I like the poem too."
"Rap verse, ma."
"Oh excuse me. I like it Mr. Rapper. Keep it up. Now let's go eat", she lightly smiles. I'd give anything to see her smile everyday. I smile back as she exits my room. I quickly tuck the journal under my mattress and follow her.
I sit down at the table, waiting for my mother and Ray to come to the table. His loud footsteps pound the floor as he steps into the kitchen and goes into the fridge. Pulling a cold beer from it, he quickly twists the top and chugs it. He sits at the table, across from me. I feel him staring me down.
"Hey boy. You get what I told you to?"
"Yes, I put it on your dresser."
"Good, wouldn't have to hurt you for not doing what I said."
My mother comes from the kitchen into our small dining area. She hands me my plate, before giving Ray his. As she turns to leave, she grabs her arm, pulling her back. "What is this s***?!", he says.
"It's what you told me to make this morning Ray", my mother says her voice cracking.
"I told you to make chicken, not pork chops!! I'm not eating this s***!!" he shouts.
"Ray, you said to make-"
"Don't talk back to me b****!" He suddenly slaps her across the face. The sound makes me jump.
"Ma!!!", I stand up, rushing over to her.
"Sit your ass back down boy!!!" I continue to stand, looking at my mother. She's still in his tight grip, with tears on her face. "Sit down Jace", she tells me. I don't until I find my gaze on him, piercing me with his bloodshot, angry eyes.
He sends the plate and my mother crashing to the floor in a fit of rage, before punching my mother twice more. "Why can't ya dumb ass do s*** right the first time?!!" She cries, yelling "I'm sorry". But he won't stop hitting her. I rush to help her. I always try to stop him, but I only wind up getting hurt. He hits me, pushing me away and into the counter, while he continues to hit her. I look down at my arm and see a large bleeding cut. The pain in my face starts to become worse. I can do nothing, but wait until its over. Every hit to her body feels like a knife slicing my heart open. He finally leaves, slamming the door behind him. I crawl over to my mother. "Ma! Cmon, ma." She slowly sits up, wincing in pain. We sit on the floor, surrounded in the chaos he created. "Jace, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry Jay." She holds onto me for dear life while she cries.
As I hold her close to me, I cry too."Ima get us outta here mamma. I promise".
Hey I need feedback!! Haven't found any inspiration to write, but I will soon.
Kyle seems like a nice guy. I hope their mom is really okay. I also hope she finds somebody too.
@Thetrillest I was aware of the other story. I'm reading that story. I wasn't tryna steal the title, but it just went with my concept. Thanks for the feedback!!! :)
This is interesting run it!!!
Oh I wasn't sure if you knew that there is another story on here with the same title y'all both have different concepts tho.
Lonely nights… I spend lonely nights, like tonight, on this window sill. The rain pours. The teardrops drip down the glass, like the rain on my cheeks. Lonely nights like this, I wish everything was ok. The teardrops stain my journal.
I wish I didn't have to cry anymore, but I do. Only in the sanctity of this journal is my true self found. I let it all out here.
Here’s something newly inspired… entitled Rain and Tears
This rain, these tears
They seem to drown out all my fears
This pain, these years
They can't be escaped they're still here
Rain falls...tears fall
They are one in the same.
Night falls...sun fades
These tears I cry are all that remain…
A few taps on my door pulls me from my writing. I quickly wipe away my tears. "Come in", I said.
"Hey Ky. You hungry?", asks my twin brother,>Kyle .
"Come on, Ky. You have to eat."
"I'm not hungry", I whimpered.
He entered my room, carrying a bag of takeout from Ling's.
"Would it change your mind, if I told you I got your favorite?"
A small smile escaped my lips. "Maybe."
We sat in silence on my windowsill, staring at the rain. I took small bites from my kung pao chicken as Kyle slurped his Lo Mein. "Do you think she's alright?", I asked him.
I asked the same question, but hoped for a different answer this time. He stared out the window hesitant to respond. He didn't want to lie to me, but I forced him to. Maybe it was best for us both if we believe our mother was ok.
"Yea, I do. I want to anyway…", his voice cracks. I watch as a tear escapes his eye. He doesn't try to hide it this time. I know he gets tired of being strong for me, for us. I wipe his tears as we continue to stare out at the rain. I guess I'm in for another long night.
first chapter coming today, around 5.