I never had my life planned out. From day one I went with the flow of everything. Whats the point of planning out your life when the outcome will be the total opposite of what you had in mind. Tsk. Just a waste of f***ing time if you ask me. Whatever happens, happens.
I stood in the mirror staring at my reflection thanking God for allowing me to see another day, when he knows I don’t deserve it.
“You should be dead” I said to my reflection.
Every time I look at myself, I’m reminded of all the bulls*** I’ve been through. s*** that I have tried hard as f*** to forget, but my mind would never let that happen. When other people see me, they don’t see what I’ve seen. If they could I’m pretty sure they would run in the opposite direction cause I was walking dynamite that was lit. Their eyes cant see past the surface of my skin, and yet when I walk past, they automatically assume what I’m about.
They had no f***ing clue.
Growing up in the streets of Brooklyn has never been easy for me. I’ve seen so much in my 19 years that most people never see in their lifetime. At only 6 years old I sat and watched my dad overdose right in front me, as if he didn’t have s*** to live for. He was always selfish. Never thinking of his wife or kids. Just himself.
A year later me and brother Dru came home from school one day to find our front door kicked in, s*** stollen out of our house, and our mom DEAD laying in a pool of blood with multiple bullets in her body. That was a scary ass sight to see as a 7 and 12 year old. My mom never did anything to anyone. Everybody knew and loved her, and for some niggas to kill her over some material bulls*** sent us over the edge.
Witnessing s*** like that when I was little made me realize that this was a dog eat dog world. The only way to survive in it, was to prepare myself for it. And that’s exactly what I did. I got heavily involved in some street s*** at only 10.
My brother and his friends taught me how to survive by hustling, killing if neccesary, and robbing m’fuggas blind. This was a life where no f***s were given. There is no LOVE FOR ANYTHING out here. What you love or think you love will be taken away from you in the blink of an eye. That’s just how s*** goes. Lives were quickly taken, and at any given moment my own life could be snatched away from me. It was do or die. Only the strong make it out alive. It was dangerous, but I didn’t care. The thrill of it all is what I was drawn to. This was my life.
I wake up every f***ing day pissed at the world. I never wanted my life to be like this. f***ing miserable. I had my life planned out when I was only 4. I was gonna graduate from high school, attend college, and become an architect, build s*** and travel the world. I’m 20 f***ing years old and I havent accomplished s*** except f***ing b****es, partying, and getting money anyway I could. It was all cool, but damn this isnt what I want to be doing all my damn life. I’ll be damned if I’m 30 and still living this street life.
I’ve seen this s*** a million times. Niggas find themselves stuck out here in these streets as if there’s nothing else in the world to explore. f*** that. My older brother Bryan died thinking that same s***. He’d always tell me that he was in this s*** for life and the only way out was in a box. I never quite understood what that meant until some niggas shot him dead after we was leaving a party. I’ll never forget that night he died in my arms. I was covered in his blood watching him gurgitate before taking his last breath. I was 14 at the time and he was only 19. That s*** f***ed me up.
My brother introduced me to a lot of s*** when I was younger since my dad wasn’t around to do it. My brother was a real bad ass. He did it all. He was known throughout the block, especially by the females. So you know punk ass niggas was hatin on him all the time. Hell, I remember when I was only 10 he brought these two fine ass brown skinned girls over to the house while moms was at work. One was for him and the other was for me. Yep, I lost my virginity at 10 to a damn 17 year old. I didn’t even care. Age wasnt s*** but a number, besides I let my d*** make up for any age difference.
At that moment, we did everything together. I found myself lost in a life I didn’t want, but it wanted me. I knew this s*** inside out, but wanted nothing to do with it. I had no choice though. I sometimes felt like I owed this life to my brother since he didn’t get the chance to fulfill it. My brother had it all, fly ass cars, money, bad b****es, and yeah I can admit I wanted what he had, but I didn’t wanna die for it.
I had to find a way out.