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Hurt But Healing.

This is just a short story about my childhood and what I've grown to be today. It's mostly based on me and my mom's relationship. For those who don't know my mom commited suicide on my 12th birthday. We only got along when my dad was around, so yeah I'm not too new to hurt.
All the things you told me, were things mom's never said.
You told me I was a mistake and you wanted me dead.
On all my birthdays you gave me a gun and pills.
You once put me in front of a mirror and told me, I was the only thing I needed to kill.
Yes you hurt me to my soul, and forgiving you was never my goal.
I had to admit on that day you took your life.
It felt like i had been cut with a little butter knife.
I didn't feel hurt unti lthe kids at school said it was my fault.
But being loved was something I was never taught.
Especially after dad was killed, I guess you abusing me is what healed your scars.
I may not be the most beautiful woman, but I know I am a star.
Big Ma told me that deep down you loved me.
Now all I want is to see you, and when I do, hopefully you would atleast hug me.
All the things you told me, are things mom's never said.
But now that I think about it, I keep coming up with reasons you wanted me dead.
Everybody used to tell me you were never the prettiest thing in the room.
But you were a sweet magnolia that would definately bloom.
I guess when I came, you were just another hater.
Not my mom nor my savior.
You hated me because I was beautiful and confident.
Which was something you were not familiar with.
I hope you look down or up at me
And finally see
I AM a sweet, independent somebody.